Fear Less in Love

Motivational Monthly

When coaching clients come to me saying it is the Love area of their life that they want fixing, I tell them that I’m not a love coach. I’m not a dating agent. I’m not qualified to fire from Cupid’s Bow. And I don’t have a magic wand. What I can do is help them learn to love themselves and then all else will follow.

Believe in yourself

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

 

 

If you don’t love yourself first, how can you expect anyone else to? When you stop telling yourself you’re not good enough, you will become less fearful in Love. When you stop listening to your inner bully, when you create a healthy lifestyle both physically, mentally and mindfully, when you heal old wounds, when you treat yourself like you would your best friend, when you enforce strong boundaries to protect yourself from others overstepping the mark, you will Fear less in Love.

 

 

 

You can’t do anything about anyone else. You can’t make them love you, you can’t change them into a more lovable person, you can’t fix their demons, you can’t stop them hurting you, or disappointing you or walking away from you. You can’t prevent some disaster or Act of God befalling the love of your life. You can just focus on yourself, change yourself, learn to meet your own needs and expectations. You can start to live in the moment, appreciate the good things you do have, enjoy your own company, live by your own values, and make a positive difference in the lives of those around you.

spread-the-love

 

 

It’s like the saying ‘smile and the world smiles with you’; when you are living the life that makes you happy, you open the door to all those who share your values, who respect your boundaries, who complement your contribution, who are equal to you and love you for who you are because you have found a way to be all that you can be.

 

 

 

 

You will have no time for losers and layabouts, manipulators and cheaters, bullies and paranoids. Those people will drift from your life because you give them no space to create havoc around you. You will not attract the Bad ‘Uns because they will recognize that you are wholesome, with no chinks for them to jam open and fill with their toxic waste.

 

You won’t be perfect when you have done the work on yourself, but you will be self-accepting and confident. Your self-esteem will be high and your ego will be quiet. You will fear less and be more. You will give yourself every chance for happiness and you will be capable of taking the rough times with equanimity and the ability to learn from whatever comes your way. When you honestly love yourself, you will be lovable and you will be loving. This is the truest and strongest Love Triangle that you can build at the very core of your being. When love is lost through death or desertion your Love Triangle will be bruised but it will not buckle. When you truly, deeply, madly own your internal love, you will survive and thrive and you will rise again.

love-yourself-happy-valentines-day

 

 

Learn to love yourself with a Life Coach. Email to arrange a free consultation to find out more Lou@createlab.co.uk

 

 

 

 

 

Please come to the Private View of my Solo Show “Freeze-Frame”. Large abstract landscape paintings, they capture a moment in time, a moment to pause and reflect, a moment for calm and contemplation. Thursday 9th March 6.30-8.30pm at The Farm Post-Production HQ. RSVP for details & to go on the Guest List. Lou@createlab.co.uk

10% of the painting sales profit to go to Amnesty International who my partner Paul Lang is running for in the London Marathon 2017. If you would like to sponsor him in aid of global Human Rights please go to his Just Giving site.

Illustrations by Lou Hamilton who has drawn the inspirational book Brave New Girl- How to Be Fearless published by Orion Spring. Available in major bookstores and online.

 

School’s out for Summer

Summer slows everything down, people are away, there’s a sense of school holidays even if you’re not a kid and don’t have kids, the evenings are long and light and when you can you’re lapping up your year’s supply of Vitamin D.

Life is ebb and flow, there’s time for speed and a time to slow down. Think of a garden; you don’t plant a seed and expect to see a tree the next day. The art of patience allows for a natural pace, the need for speed forces artificial pressure on a creative process. Think of Genetically Modified Foods. They grow quick and taste of nothing. In the film industry we use the three pronged model: quick, cheap, good. You can only have two of the three. Quick and cheap, but not good. Quick and good, but not cheap. Cheap and good but not quick.

Have dreams

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

Even instant gratification takes too long” Carrie Fisher is quoted as saying. But she has Bipolar Disorder. “I would get really impatient. I was going faster than everything else around me, and it drove me crazy. You feel out of step with the world” She has achieved a lot, being talented and manic. Her 1987 book Postcards from the Edge hit the New York Times bestseller list and won her the Los Angeles Pen Award for Best First Novel; and she’s published three bestsellers since. More recently she’s turned her memoir Wishful Drinking into a one-woman play, as well as an HBO special.

But you don’t need to be Manic to achieve a lot. I’m from the School of Plod, you do a little and often and you can incrementally produce a large body of work. The art is in consistent application. It’s like saving money. You put in 3% of your wages and over time you have built up a substantial nest-egg. It’s called Compound Interest. Day one you put in £1, Day 2 you put in another £1 and you’ve already doubled your money. Day 4 you’ve quadrupled your initial deposit. The same with writing a book; two hours a day or 1000 words and in 80 days you’ve got your first draft.

where's your hideaway

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

Carl Honore wrote In praise of Slowness, a book on the need to slow down. He speaks of how we have added speed to everything; speed-reading, speed-walking, speed-dating. He even passed a gym in New York offering speed-yoga. We believe ourselves to be time poor, so pack more in, we run faster and we feel like we have even less time than ever. We do nothing properly, we leap frog from one task to another. Marinade, savour, mull, languish, ponder, wander, contemplate, peruse, explore, lie fallow, are words we have ejected from our vocabulary and left to curl and wither under the heat of our soles pounding tarmac.

When you slow down you simply do things better. Eating, sleeping, making love, creating, inventing, designing all become better when slowness is your modus operandi. Understanding this has created the international Slow Movement, which started in Italy but has slowly spread around the world. Slow Food, growing, consuming in an organic sustainable way that celebrates pleasure and health. Slow Cities where people slow down, smell the roses and connect with one another; slowing traffic, putting in places for people to sit, read, take a breather and decompress, green spaces, art works for contemplation, poetry on the underground.

The Scandanavian countries are showing that you don’t need to work at the speed of light in order to have a kick-ass economy. They work reasonable hours and they are now among the top six most competitive nations on earth. They understand that in order to be more productive people need to be able to work fewer hours, to unplug, to sit in a quiet room. In order to be creative we need to switch off and re-charge on a regular basis.

So take timeout over Summer, use it as an opportunity to kick back and let your creative mind take over. Day dream, chill out and enjoy the view. Then in September you can come back to life and hit the ground running.

If the thought of September scares you, if you are wanting to get out of the rat race but don’t know how, I can work with you to find another way. Lou@createlab.co.uk

If you are coach and want to take your practice to the next level join us on our Quantum Coaching Bootcamp workshop. Warning: It’s not for the faint-hearted

Motivational Mondays: Small Wins, Big Progress

Life can be one helluva ride. Cloud nine one minute, wallowing in the annals of knock-backs the next. It feels like the control desk has bust and we are fire-fighting from one crisis to the next. By the end of the day we flop into bed exhausted, stressed but unable to sleep, worrying about what disaster will befall us next.

illustration by Lou Hamilton

illustration by Lou Hamilton

How can we make this rollercoaster smoother and more controllable? We need to take a back seat and watch what is happening. With a little distance we can monitor how much is going wrong, and when things are actually going right. It’s all too easy to sweat the everyday bumps and bruises and bypass the mini-victories. But when we give head space to the face-plants and ignore the triumphs we are doing ourselves a great disservice.

illustration by Lou Hamilton

illustration by Lou Hamilton

Celebrating success isn’t about ‘bragging’ or showing off or being self-obsessed or narcissistic. It’s not about shouting from the rooftops about how marvellous we are or shoving our trophies in the faces of those around us. It’s not about being loud, or smart-alec or self-promoting. It’s about quietly acknowledging to ourselves every time we have ‘done good’. It’s about patting ourselves on the back and building up our self-esteem. Goodness knows we have many failures, disappointments and set-backs; it is imperative that we counteract them with a healthy approach to our small successes. It makes us self-reliant; free of needing approbation from others.

illustration by Lou Hamilton

illustration by Lou Hamilton

In the book The Progress Principle: Using Small Wins To Ignite Joy, Engagement And Creativity At Work, by the wife-and-husband team of psychologists Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer, they investigate the positive effects of acknowledging all the small wins we make in a day. By collecting diary entries from 238 people at seven companies, the authors generated 12,000 person-days of data on moods and activities at work. The striking conclusion is that a sense of incremental progress is vastly more important to happiness than either a grand mission or financial incentives – though 95% of the bosses didn’t realise it. Small wins “had a surprisingly strong positive effect, and small losses a surprisingly strong negative one.”

In Coaching we always break big goals down into smaller achievable chunks but what is important, is to celebrate each one of those small wins and to try and do that throughout the day. What Amabile and Kramer’s findings emphasise is how disproportionate the relationship is between the size of an achievement and the happiness it delivers. A breakthrough accomplishment that’s a thousand times bigger than a “small win” doesn’t make you feel a thousand times better, or happier for a thousand times longer – and won’t outweigh the effects of countless small setbacks you’ll encounter en route.

illustration by Lou Hamilton

illustration by Lou Hamilton

The more we focus on the small wins than the small setbacks, the greater our sense of self-esteem and ability to feel in control of our lives. The mini-triumphs give a regular happiness-hit. You wouldn’t give a dog a whole box of chocolate drops in one go but you make him a happy puppy with the odd one every so often. We humans aren’t so very different. Every drop of achievement gives you a spritz of dopamine, the feel-good chemical linked with motivation. Better still, a series of small wins …guarantees a constant supply of dopamine, which is released during goal orientated behaviour and upon achieving that goal,” says Psychology Today blogger Christopher Bergland.

illustration by Lou Hamilton

illustration by Lou Hamilton

So feeling like a champion isn’t just for Olympians and Oscar-winners, each of us can shift our focus to tune in to our daily trophies of accomplishment. David Allen, a coach specializing in productivity, recommends the ‘two minute’ rule in his book “Getting Things Done”. It entails ensuring you crack on with the tiny tasks first thing in the morning or in small windows of space in the day. By nailing these you build up a momentum which energises you to tackle the bigger jobs, and pumps you full of mini-hits of dopamine through the day.

The more we can approach our lives with attention to the tasks at hand, engagement in the bigger picture and an intention to commit to working hard at what we are doing, the more we feel we are progressing. The more positively we approach this, according to Psychologist Barbara Fredrickson, the more we broaden our thoughts and actions and the more liberated we are to see the wood for the trees. Our sense that we are moving forward in turn increases our creativity, our productivity, our commitment and our ability to work well with others. Conversely, negative emotions constrain our progress and hold us back, making us less creative and therefore less productive.

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

If we don’t prime ourselves with praise at our micro-progress then what happens is that each day, everyday the negative impact of our tiny failures starts to erode our sense of well-being and bonhomie. In fact, the effect of setbacks is two to three times stronger than any small win. “That’s a common finding in psychology—that negative events and negative things tend to get people’s attention more and tend to have a stronger impact on people’s feelings,” Amabile explains. So we have to make an extra effort to acknowledge the small successes. The best way to stamp those wins on our brains is to perform a physical function in response to the triumph; a high-five with a mate, a punch in the air, or writing it down in your success journal*.

Years of habitual negative acknowledgements have a deep-rooted effect on our happiness and effectiveness. It takes guidance, support and encouragement to change your mindset, to start allowing yourself the pleasure of noticing your daily achievements. It has been proven in Amalie’s study that reviewing and writing down your accomplishments of the day, however small, and reflecting how they made you feel, coupled with a mini-plan for what you would like to achieve the next day, works wonders on building your sense of purpose. There is comfort in knowing that with the right set of tools you can make meaningful progress by helping yourself and others to live more happily,

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

Illustration by Lou Hamilton

To help break the set-back trap invest in a Creative Thinking Coach and learn to feel happier and more fulfilled. You can also try journaling in a copy of my *“Creating Success in Daily Life” book. Email me to find our more on Lou@createlab.co.uk

Testimonial from a client on making progress: “I remember the first day I went to meet Lou. I think at that point I was feeling as bad as I thought I ever could. I booked a few sessions in the hope that it may relieve some of the pain of what I was going through. From the first session Lou inspired me with her amazing positivity and the journal that she gave me made me seek out positivity in everyday life which helped me from week one. I found it amazing how quickly she managed to change my mindset from constant dwelling on the past to thinking about a future and actually being excited about it. Lou taught me not to beat myself up about having a bad day, and not seeing it as a relapse into old thinking habits, but a dip in a graph that is constantly going up. I honestly don’t know if I would have made it through the year without her. She has been an incredible coach and a friend.Zoe C. Student

CREATING SUCCESS cover for pic post

Motivational Mondays: No one is an Island

Humans thrive on sociability, on connecting and communicating. I live on an Island and I’m self-employed so I could be in danger of living in not so splendid isolation, except that I love people and I strive to keep my connections alive.

Connection to even one other creates our imprint

Connection
to even one other creates
our imprint

One evening we were rowing around the Island and a new neighbour spotted us drifting past the end of her garden. She hailed us over, brought us up onto her decking and welcomed us to her little corner of the world. People need each other and it takes little to reach out and connect.

Planes and social media keep us connected across the globe. When filming in the Gambia for a children’s charity we met an amazing woman Ali Criado-Perez who works for Medecins Sans Frontieres. We kept in touch and when she posted Blogs from Africa during the Ebola crisis our connection to the plight of people on another continent was deepened, our understanding of their tragedy kept all the more alive. Everyday I connect with new people on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram or monthly at Fabulous Women Networking events. and relish the inspiring anecdotes, stories and quotes shared.

Threads join person to person across continents

Threads
join person to person
across continents

Friendship and connection are as vital as the air we breathe, so much so that Social Skills Therapy is offered to those suffering from the isolation of mental health issues. When we filmed soldiers for our feature documentary A Brutal Peace, we discovered a critical part of their post-war survival is to meet regularly through the charity Combat Stress to help each other roll with the punches of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Without the camaraderie of shared stories over a pint by the bonfire, these men would fade into the recesses of unbearable memories and suffering.

In It’s a Wonderful Life Clarence says “no man is a failure, who has friends”

We also need to be able to be alone without feeling lonely, and the ability to do this comes from knowing that somewhere, out there, there are people who we care about, who care about us. And so when I sit on my Island in London I feel the invisible threads reaching outwards to all those thousands of people I have ever met in person or online and I celebrate whatever methods of communication that allow me to do that.

Feeling disconnected? Why not connect with me for a short course of life coaching sessions and together we can find a way forward. Or follow me on twitter @createlab or Instagram create_lab

If you’d like to spend a short break on our Island you can find details on how to book on www.distancetravelled.com

Alone but not lonely with invisible touch

Alone
but not lonely with
invisible touch

In the Long Run.

Unbroken is a film directed by Angelina Jolie, based on the  book by Laura HillenbrandUnbroken: A World War II Story of Survival, Resilience, and Redemption. The film revolves around the life of USA Olympian and athlete Louis “Louie” Zamperini, portrayed by Jack O’Connell. Zamperini was sent to a series of Japanese prisoner of war camps in which he was treated brutally. By the end of the war he suffered post-traumatic stress disorder but his saving was the ability to find forgiveness not revenge. At the end of his life he fulfilled his long-held ambition to run once again the Olympics. This time, as a torchbearer in the Japanese Olympics.

Never give up- life matters

Never give up- life matters

It was Louie’s ability to keep going in the face of supreme deprivation, humiliation and pain that can inspire us in our own lives. Hopefully not under such harrowing circumstances but each of us has our own challenges we must face and work through. We all have to learn the art of resilience against the odds. When you do something that you believe in, it makes it easier to fight on through the tough times. I have been interviewing people who are at the top of their game for my book Passion with Purpose, looking at what keeps people going in order to succeed.

Persevering to be one of life's winners- Gary Hymns

Persevering to be one of life’s winners- Gary Hymns

Recently I interviewed Gary Hymns, a Key Grip in the film industry with Bond, Star Wars, the Golden Compass, Thor, Robin Hood, Captain America, Shackleton, and Into the Woods, under his belt, to name but a few. All this from a 16 year old lad who started out working as a post boy at London Weekend Television. Much as we’d like to make this kind of leap in one bound, of course it is a lifetime of hard work that gets you there.

Gary has a good analogy. He’s a runner still at the age of 58, competing in races for the Serpentine Running Club “I always say to new runners who are exhausted or new people in the job, when they start the first mile and say ‘I can’t do this‘- well, your body works like a gear change in a car, you set off and it’s going ‘what’s this, I was walking down the street and now I’m charging down the road‘. But after about a mile it goes ‘Oh I know what we’re doing, we’re running’ you keep going and it drops down a gear and suddenly it gets easier'”.

His job requires the same resilience and perseverance. Gripping is incredibly physical work, moving the camera like a choreographer, gliding it responsively with the actors, sometimes under supremely tough conditions. Often Gary and his team are standing up for thirteen hours, physically tracking the camera, rehearsing one shot 10 times, doing twenty takes and maybe running with Daniel Craig down the street or on location in 52 degree heat pushing the camera all day.

So what keeps him going? Gary explains his motivation was always “we wanted to save money so we didn’t have such a big mortgage, having two children, we just got our heads down and did the work. But it’s not for everyone, it’s unsociable, you have to have a very understanding partner and you’ve got to be prepared to do the hours really…you’ve just got to continue, you’ve got to keep going. I’ve got eleven guys on my crew. If I my head drops or I think it’s cold, I don’t want to be working like this, you have to keep up your spirits, keep everybody motivated and break it up with humour which we do all the time. Some might call it gallows humour, but it does work.”

And then there’s the passion for his work that makes the physical stress worth it. He loved working with Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett, both nominated for Oscars, on Notes on a Scandal, “I’m locked into that scene, concentrating on what the actor is doing, timing the moment for the camera move, I don’t know the time of day, where I am or anything when I’m in that moment and I love it.” And with the new Stars Wars “it was a wonderful experience and the director and crew were really at the top of their game, we all knew what we were doing, we were enjoying ourselves and I think we got, hopefully, really good results.” And what about doing Skyfall with director Sam Mendes? “All British Technicians want to do a Bond film and I never knew if I was going to do one but at 56 I got the chance and now I’m doing the next one so that will be the icing on the cake”.

So when you’ve gone the distance, battled through the challenges, and reaped the rewards, is that the time rest on your laurels? Not according to Gary, who has another few big films lined up and then some more personal ambitions to drive him forward. “At the end of those films I’ll be 60 and I want to take the running up seriously and hopefully spend more time with my three grandchildren and my wife Jen, who I’ve been with since we were teenagers, we’ve grown up together.”

An inspiring career and attitude to life and it is people like Gary that can act as a guiding light to us all as we endeavour to carve our own way through the ups and downs of life. As ever perseverance is the name of the game and being surrounded by people who support you, with a dash of humour thrown in.

Find out what puts fire in your soles with Life Coach Lou Hamilton, and enjoy the run! CONTACT

What puts fire in your soles? These shoes belong to Gary.

What puts fire in your soles? These shoes belong to Gary.